Conflict Notes (PLEASE PRINT)

The Nature of Conflict

What is Conflict?

Interpersonal conflict occurs whenever one person�s motives, goals, beliefs, opinions, or behavior interfere with, or are incompatible with, those of another.

Conflict is inescapable in close relationships, for two reasons.

�First, any two people will occasionally differ in their moods and preferences.

�Second, there are certain tensions that are woven into the fabric of close relationships that will, sooner or later, always cause some strain.

  These are opposing motivations, or dialectics, that can never be completely satisfied because they contradict each other.

�Dialectical Tensions

[natural] tensions that occur in a relationship

  (a)  personal autonomy and close connection to others.

  Do you pursue intimacy or freedom?  Independence or

  belonging?

  - Most common dialectical tension in marriages

  (b)  openness versus closedness.

  Honesty, candor, and authenticity, and on the other hand, there�s privacy, discretion, and restraint.

  - Most important dialectical tension in marriages

  (c)  stability versus novelty.

  We relish both novelty and excitement, and familiarity and constancy.

  �and

  (d)  integration with, versus separation from, a social network. 

  The motive to stay involved with other people is sometimes at odds with the wish to devote oneself to a romantic partnership.

  These four dialectics typically continue to some degree throughout the entire life of a relationship.

  The dilemmas posed by fluctuating, opposing motives in close relationships never end.

Instigating Events

  Couples may disagree about almost any issue.

  The high levels of interdependency that   characterize an intimate relationship provide   abundant opportunities for dispute.

Instigating Events

Four different types of events cause most conflicts:

�Criticism is behavior that seems unjustly critical, being perceived as demeaning or derogatory

�Illegitimate demands are requests that are excessive and that seem unjust

�Rebuffs occur when one�s appeals for help or support are rejected

�Cumulative annoyances are relatively trivial events that become irritating with repetition

Negotiation and Accommodation

Responses to conflict may either active or passive, and either constructive or destructive.

When these two different dimensions are combined, four different responses to conflict and dissatisfaction result.

�Voice  �  actively, constructively working to improve the   situation

�Loyalty  �  passively waiting and hoping for things to get   better

�Exit  �  active but destructive responses such as leaving   the partner

�Neglect  �  passively allowing things to get worse

Negotiation and Accommodation

Voice is more likely when a relationship has been satisfying in the past, and it is most likely to be used by people with secure attachment styles.

Tempting alternatives, avoidance of intimacy, and masculine gender roles are associated with more destructive responses to dissatisfaction.

Relationships are at risk when both partners choose destructive responses to conflict, so accommodation, the ability to remain constructive in the face of a lover�s temporary disregard, is advantageous.

Accommodation occurs when partners respond to provocation by inhibiting the impulse to fight fire with fire.  Indeed, couples who are able to swallow occasional frustration from each other without responding in kind are happier than those who are less tolerant.

Dealing with Conflict: Four Types of Couples

Arguments need not be avoided altogether.

Indeed, even heated arguments can be constructive�

�but it�s helpful if both partners fight the same way, and both fight fairly.

�Volatile  couples have frequent and passionate arguments, but they temper their fights with plenty of wit and evident fondness for each other.

�Validators fight more politely and calmly, behaving more like collaborators than antagonists.

�Avoiders rarely argue; they duck confrontation and often just try to fix problems on their own. In these three types, the positive elements of the interaction substantially outnumber the frustrating costs�.

�In contrast, hostiles  are more nasty to each other.

Hostiles fight with criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and withdrawal, and their marriages are more fragile than those of the other three groups.

Can Fighting be Good for a Relationship?

Self-Control

Gottman�s (1994b) list of �don�ts� for successful conflict:

�Don�t withdraw

�Don�t go negative

�Don�t get caught in a loop of negative affect reciprocity

�The Outcomes of Conflict

The Speaker-Listener Technique:

Rules:

�The speaker has the floor

�Share the floor

�No problem solving

�Speaker:  Speak for yourself (don�t try to be a mind reader)

�Speaker:  Stop and let the listener paraphrase

�Listener:  Paraphrase what you hear
�Listener:  Focus on the speaker�s message.  Don�t rebut.