Dysfunctional Communication Notes

Dysfunctional Communication and What to Do about It

Miscommunication

Unhappy partners do a poor job of saying what they mean.

�They�re prone to kitchen-sinking, in which they confuse issues by addressing several topics at once.

�Their conversations frequently drift off-beam, wandering from topic to topic.

Unhappy partners also do a poor job of hearing each other.

�They jump to conclusions with mindreading, and wrongly assume that they understand their partners.

�They interrupt to express disagreement frequently.

�They find fault with anything their partner says, known as yes-butting.

�They also engage in cross-complaining, responding to a partner�s complaint with one of their own.

Unhappy partners also display negative affect when they talk with each other:

�Criticism attacks a partner�s personality or character;

�Contempt in the form of mockery and insults occurs;

�Defensiveness leads to excuses or counterattacks;

�Stonewalling may follow when someone withdraws; and

�Belligerence and aggressiveness can result.

  When communication routinely involves these contentious patterns, the outlook for the relationship is grim.

Saying What We Mean

�Behavior description involves identifying as plainly as possible a specific behavior that annoyed us.

�I-statements start with �I� and then describe a distinct, specific emotional reaction.

�XYZ statements combine behavior descriptions with

  I-statements: 

  �When you do X in situation Y, I feel Z.�

Active Listening

As listeners, we face two vital tasks:

�Accurately understanding what our partners are trying to say, and

�Communicating that attention and comprehension to our partners so that they know we care about what they�ve said.

�Paraphrasing involves repeating a message in our own words and giving the sender a chance to agree that that�s what he or she really meant.

�Perception checking occurs when we assess the accuracy of our inferences by asking for clarification and feedback.