Stresses and Strains Notes

�Ostracism

  Ostracism, the �silent treatment,� occurs when others intentionally ignore us.

  Ostracism hurts, and it is often confusing, leaving us wondering why we are being ignored.

  Sometimes, we become contrite and compliant as we try to get back into others� good graces� 

  �but people often become defensive and antagonistic when they are ostracized.

  It hurts to be ignored, and people with high self-esteem are relatively unlikely to put up with it.  When they encounter a cold shoulder, they are more likely than those with low self-esteem to end the relationship and seek a new partner.

�Jealousy

  Jealousy is the unhappy combination of hurt, anger, and fear that occurs when people face the potential loss of a valued relationship to a real or imagined rival.

    Is jealousy a sign of love�

           �or a sign of insecurity?

Two Types of Jealousy

Reactive jealousy  occurs in response to an actual threat to a valued relationship.

Suspicious jealousy  occurs when one�s partner hasn�t misbehaved, and one�s suspicions do not fit the facts at hand.

Who�s Prone to Jealousy?

Individual differences in susceptibility to jealousy are related to:

�Dependence on a relationship

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�Feelings of inadequacy in a relationship

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�Attachment styles � preoccupied people are prone to jealousy,   whereas dismissing people are not

In addition:

�Personality traits � people high in neuroticism are prone to jealousy,   whereas agreeable people are not

�Desire for sexual exclusivity � reduces suspicious jealousy, but   increases reactive jealousy if infidelity occurs

�Traditional gender roles � macho men and feminine women   experience more jealousy than androgynous people do

�Deception and Lying

Lying in Close and Casual Relationships

  However, when we tell lies about serious matters, we tell   them more often to our intimate partners than to anyone   else.

  Liars may also experience deceiver�s distrust, coming to   perceive the recipients of their lies as less honest and   trustworthy than they really are.

Lies and Liars

Some people tell more lies than others do.

  Sociable and gregarious people tend to tell more lies.

  People with secure attachment styles tend to tell fewer lies.

So, How Well Can We Detect a Partner�s Deception?

  But most intimate partners trust each other, and that leads them to exhibit a truth bias in which they assume that their partners are usually telling the truth.

  As a result, people are sometimes certain that their   partners are telling the truth when their partners are   actually lying.

  Thus, as relationships become more intimate and trust increases, the partners� accuracy in detecting deception in each other doesn�t improve.

       It declines. 

�Betrayal

Coping with Betrayal

  People report less anxiety and better coping when they:

  (a)  acknowledge the betrayal instead of denying that it   happened,

  (b)  consider it an opportunity for personal growth, and

  (c)  rely on their friends for support.

  People do less well when they ignore the event, wallow in bitterness, or resort to drugs and alcohol to blunt the pain.

  When they are wronged, some people are vengeful.    They wish to retaliate.

  Such people tend to be high in neuroticism, low in   agreeableness, and less happy with life than are those   who are less vengeful and more prone to forgiveness.

�Forgiveness

  Forgiveness  occurs when we give up our perceived right to retaliate against, or hold in our debt, someone who has wronged us.

Forgiveness occurs more readily when�

  (a)  the offender apologizes, and

  (b)  the victim is able to empathize with the      offender, being able to imagine why the                partner behaved as he or she did.

  Secure and agreeable people are more forgiving than insecure or less agreeable people are.